Monthly Archives: April 2018

My heartbreak……

Merry Meet my friends.  I hope this post finds all of you and yours well and happy. I have been away from my blog and writing for many months.  To write why is very difficult but I felt it was time. I’m writing this as part of my healing process and hope that you all will understand my need to do so.

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This is my beautiful daughter Sara.  Sara passed away October 20, 2017.  She was my heart, my brave, kind, generous, darling oldest daughter.  Her death came unexpectedly and shockingly on the day it occurred.  Though we knew she’d lived beyond all expectancy, and over the last few years had become more frail….we were not prepared to lose her and it hurts beyond belief.

Let me tell you a little bit about her.  Sara was 35 when she passed away.  At the age of 6, we were in a terrible car accident that left her a quadriplegic, from the neck down and dependent the rest of her life on a ventilator to breathe 24/7.  She could only move her eyes and face.  We had to read her lips when she spoke.  She had multiple surgeries in the beginning to repair all the damage to her body, but her mind was sharp and intact.  We brought her home after several months in the hospital and there she stayed with the help of home nursing care, wonderful nurses (friends) over the years and with me, her constant caretaker.

Now you would think that sounds very sad and it was.  But over the 29 years she survived each day in that condition, she went to school graduating with honors.  We lived life as normally as possible.  She went everywhere with us.  Whatever it was, we found a way.  She’s been in the mountains and on beaches.  She shopped, traveled, saw movies and broadway shows, museums and bookstores.  She read with a passion. She was a collector of fairies, nutcrackers, keychains, and souvenirs.  She journaled her life every day.  She adored our pets, her niece and nephews, her sister, brother-in-law, extended family and myself and her dad.  She was kind, considerate, so very patient. She was a worrier about everyone but herself.  She was a Nature lover, a healer, a keeper of secrets and had a smile that lit up a room.  Everyone said she was an angel on Earth and I too believe that was true.

She was a one- of- a- kind spirit.  No one who knew her will every forget her.  Or the lessons she taught us.  As her mom, I couldn’t be more proud of the person she was.  And as her mom and full-time caretaker, my life has been drastically changed with her loss.  She is greatly missed, but my Path tells me she is with our Goddess, in Summerland, whole and happy and well again.  My other daughter Kate and I picture her with our rainbow pets, in her huge library comfortable and happy, having tea with our ancestors and waiting for us.  This comforts us greatly.  I wish you could have known her.  You would have loved her as we did.

So now, nearly 6 months later, life moves on.  I miss her constantly, light candles and incense every day for her.  I write notes to her and send them off with fire, smoke and ash.  Every holiday, birthday, family event without her is hard.  But we remember her and can smile now.  Talking about her is good for my family.  As Spring arrives (very slowly here in Ohio) I plan a memory garden for her as she loved the outdoors, watching the birds, butterflies, seeing the flowers grow. A dear friend is sending rose bushes in her honor, another a beautiful fairy wind chime, and I’ll plant her favorite flowers as well….sunflowers. Another friend has given us a gift card to plant a tree in her honor.  All these things will be done.

Her bedroom was such a place of loss and sadness.  But with help of family, we painstakingly went through her things.  We’ve kept all that meant so much to her…fairies, wall art, her books, bookmark collection, family pictures etc.  We saved her t-shirts to make into a quilt one day.  Family members and friends took small things to remind them of her and her journals will be with me until they pass to her sister one day.  I then turned her room into a beautiful library filled with the things she loved, and it’s become a place of comfort, serenity, and we know she’d have approved 100%

So now I’m learning my new “normal”.  I am doing okay as time marches on.  I’m about to turn 60 and because of being her 24/7 caretaker there were many things that I couldn’t do easily.  Even taking a walk, or planning an outing etc were difficult at times.  I would have kept doing that to my dying day…..but now that she has gone before me, I’m trying to find my way to care for myself for a while.  To do things I wasn’t able to do before.  To find “me”!  What do I enjoy?  What makes ME happy.  My hubby and I have plans for some travel I think.  I’m probably going to get a job at some point.  But for now, I heal, rest, do things that make me happy, work in my home, my journals, my planners, my crafts.  Dream of my garden beds, walks in the park, books to read and my Path to follow.  I do my best to remember Sara is always with me in Spirit and I know she’d want me to be happy and do for myself.  And of course, I have my other daughter, her husband and 3 beautiful grandchildren who need me, and my husband and extended family.  And I have my sisters in spirit, close friends who surround me with love and concern, and despite losing my darling girl, I know I’m blessed.

So, thank you for letting me talk about my girl.  Hold your loved ones close as you never know what a day will bring.  I’m hoping to write more here again. Perhaps some writing will help me to continue to heal and put one foot in front of the other.  Beltane comes soon… and Spring!

May Goddess bless each of you with great love in your lives.  The love, even when lost, remains forever.

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Blessings and Love,

Autumn

 

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