My heartbreak……

Merry Meet my friends.  I hope this post finds all of you and yours well and happy. I have been away from my blog and writing for many months.  To write why is very difficult but I felt it was time. I’m writing this as part of my healing process and hope that you all will understand my need to do so.

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This is my beautiful daughter Sara.  Sara passed away October 20, 2017.  She was my heart, my brave, kind, generous, darling oldest daughter.  Her death came unexpectedly and shockingly on the day it occurred.  Though we knew she’d lived beyond all expectancy, and over the last few years had become more frail….we were not prepared to lose her and it hurts beyond belief.

Let me tell you a little bit about her.  Sara was 35 when she passed away.  At the age of 6, we were in a terrible car accident that left her a quadriplegic, from the neck down and dependent the rest of her life on a ventilator to breathe 24/7.  She could only move her eyes and face.  We had to read her lips when she spoke.  She had multiple surgeries in the beginning to repair all the damage to her body, but her mind was sharp and intact.  We brought her home after several months in the hospital and there she stayed with the help of home nursing care, wonderful nurses (friends) over the years and with me, her constant caretaker.

Now you would think that sounds very sad and it was.  But over the 29 years she survived each day in that condition, she went to school graduating with honors.  We lived life as normally as possible.  She went everywhere with us.  Whatever it was, we found a way.  She’s been in the mountains and on beaches.  She shopped, traveled, saw movies and broadway shows, museums and bookstores.  She read with a passion. She was a collector of fairies, nutcrackers, keychains, and souvenirs.  She journaled her life every day.  She adored our pets, her niece and nephews, her sister, brother-in-law, extended family and myself and her dad.  She was kind, considerate, so very patient. She was a worrier about everyone but herself.  She was a Nature lover, a healer, a keeper of secrets and had a smile that lit up a room.  Everyone said she was an angel on Earth and I too believe that was true.

She was a one- of- a- kind spirit.  No one who knew her will every forget her.  Or the lessons she taught us.  As her mom, I couldn’t be more proud of the person she was.  And as her mom and full-time caretaker, my life has been drastically changed with her loss.  She is greatly missed, but my Path tells me she is with our Goddess, in Summerland, whole and happy and well again.  My other daughter Kate and I picture her with our rainbow pets, in her huge library comfortable and happy, having tea with our ancestors and waiting for us.  This comforts us greatly.  I wish you could have known her.  You would have loved her as we did.

So now, nearly 6 months later, life moves on.  I miss her constantly, light candles and incense every day for her.  I write notes to her and send them off with fire, smoke and ash.  Every holiday, birthday, family event without her is hard.  But we remember her and can smile now.  Talking about her is good for my family.  As Spring arrives (very slowly here in Ohio) I plan a memory garden for her as she loved the outdoors, watching the birds, butterflies, seeing the flowers grow. A dear friend is sending rose bushes in her honor, another a beautiful fairy wind chime, and I’ll plant her favorite flowers as well….sunflowers. Another friend has given us a gift card to plant a tree in her honor.  All these things will be done.

Her bedroom was such a place of loss and sadness.  But with help of family, we painstakingly went through her things.  We’ve kept all that meant so much to her…fairies, wall art, her books, bookmark collection, family pictures etc.  We saved her t-shirts to make into a quilt one day.  Family members and friends took small things to remind them of her and her journals will be with me until they pass to her sister one day.  I then turned her room into a beautiful library filled with the things she loved, and it’s become a place of comfort, serenity, and we know she’d have approved 100%

So now I’m learning my new “normal”.  I am doing okay as time marches on.  I’m about to turn 60 and because of being her 24/7 caretaker there were many things that I couldn’t do easily.  Even taking a walk, or planning an outing etc were difficult at times.  I would have kept doing that to my dying day…..but now that she has gone before me, I’m trying to find my way to care for myself for a while.  To do things I wasn’t able to do before.  To find “me”!  What do I enjoy?  What makes ME happy.  My hubby and I have plans for some travel I think.  I’m probably going to get a job at some point.  But for now, I heal, rest, do things that make me happy, work in my home, my journals, my planners, my crafts.  Dream of my garden beds, walks in the park, books to read and my Path to follow.  I do my best to remember Sara is always with me in Spirit and I know she’d want me to be happy and do for myself.  And of course, I have my other daughter, her husband and 3 beautiful grandchildren who need me, and my husband and extended family.  And I have my sisters in spirit, close friends who surround me with love and concern, and despite losing my darling girl, I know I’m blessed.

So, thank you for letting me talk about my girl.  Hold your loved ones close as you never know what a day will bring.  I’m hoping to write more here again. Perhaps some writing will help me to continue to heal and put one foot in front of the other.  Beltane comes soon… and Spring!

May Goddess bless each of you with great love in your lives.  The love, even when lost, remains forever.

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Blessings and Love,

Autumn

 

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21 Comments

Filed under Beltane, Family, Flowers, Friends, Gardens, Goddess, Grandchildren, Gratitude, My Favorite Things, My Writing, Nature, quotes, Seasons, sisters, Spring, Uncategorized

21 responses to “My heartbreak……

  1. eliora13

    You have filled my heart with joy and sweet sadness. Lovely Sara lives in every word you wrote. I love you, Autumn ♥

  2. Rachel

    May you find peace within her library. What an honorable tribute to a wonderful young woman. I am so sorry for the pain and hurt you have. I cannot imagine losing a child and having the bravery to share your world with us. Many hugs, lots of light and prayers for your family and for you.

  3. Irish

    💜🌻💜🌻💜🌻💜🌻💜🌻💜🌻💜🌻💜🌻💜🌻

  4. Jody

    God Bless you. Even though I feel your heartache, I can not comprehend the pain. I read such a beautiful story. Thank you so very much for sharing what must have been extremely hard to write.

    I would like to mail you something special. I am a maker of incense. I would love to mail you some to burn in honor of your beautiful daughter. Please, if you will, send me your address to my email and I will get it on its way. God bless you in everything you in every way possible.

    ~Jody

  5. Haven

    What a beautiful tribute to your daughter, thank you for sharing. My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family.

  6. This ode to your Super Shero touches me to the quick. The courage it takes to share what is in your heart is inspiring, and your dear one is no doubt inspiring you to continue, as you say, to learn your new normal. Thank you and Blessed Be.

  7. Debra

    How beautiful, dear Autumn. Your love for sweet Sara the Earth Angel comes shining through your words. I know she is with you in spirit, and her love will be with you forever. I continue to send you much love and healing for your heart. I love you.

  8. Maggie

    I am so sorry for your loss. I can’t imagine your pain. Thankfully, you have wonderful support to see you through… and you have Sara, ever beside you and helping you heal from her special place.

  9. Maggie

    Thank you for sharing your story, it touched my heart and I am sure many others. Sending Love and Prayers, and light your way. I would like to share that one of my friends who has a son who was in an accident and left in the same situation as you. He is still thriving at home surrounded by family and other loved ones. She has been taking care of him for 20+ years now and every day is a blessing for her as it was for you. Your children are so lucky to have a fantastic mother and to be surrounded by love and light you send out. I truly hope you find your path and continue to write. I love reading your blog, I am a new witch in my year and day still. So learning from you and others is greatly needed.

    Blessed Be

    Maggie

  10. Angelique

    Ahhhh my beautiful Sara! Thank you for this enchanted tribute to your blessed daughter! What a blessing she was to all she came into contact with. I am printing this out and keeping it in my BOS! I love you all so much! And continue to light candles and send a sweet hello to Sara as she dances in the Summerlands!

    Angelique

  11. Barbara MacKrell

    Thank you Autumn for sharing the story of your beautiful Sara. Healing takes time.. but time is timetimeless. Sara is always with you because you carry her in your heart..xo

  12. May Goddess in all Her Manifestations comfort you with the sure knowledge that life never ends, it just begins again in a new and beautiful way. It has begun again for your beloved daughter, Sara.
    I lost one of my sisters of the heart, Donna, suddenly this February- undiscovered pancreatic cancer claimed her. Our rites for dearest Donna were Gaian through and through including a natural burial. We the living grieve, but take heart that our lives eventually repair. Life, Death, Life has always been the rhythm of all our paths.
    Sending much California love and positive thoughts to you and yours.

  13. always love your writing and this one had the tears streaming…what a beautiful expression of unconditional love and perseverance in the face of adversity, where spirit blooms..and grows and transcends this realm and beyond…i am blessed to know sara through your eyes and heart sweet sister…sending much love your way…((hugs))

  14. Serene

    Such a beautiful honouring of your beloved daughter. Thinking of you and your loved ones, and sending so much love. What a beautiful life you created with Sara, and so many gorgeous memories. Lots of love xx

  15. Carol Jean O'Brien

    Blessings on you and your family. As you know she is still with you…
    I’m sure heightened compassion and empathy are her two of her gifts to you.
    Enjoy and celebrate your life for her.

  16. chef ette

    I am so sorry for you loss Autumn. I hope you can find peace knowing that your beloved Sara is in the arms of the Goddess. Many blessing to your and your family.
    June

  17. Jen

    So much love to you and your family now, and always. Sara was blessed to have you as a mother and you were all so blessed to have her in your lives. Her room transformation sounds so perfect. May you find peace and inspiration and love there.

  18. Paula

    I cannot imagine the pain of losing a daughter… Keeping you in my thoughts and prayers.

  19. Shai Rikard

    I am so sorry for your loss. You daughter was a beautiful human being and soul. I wish I had had a chance to meet her! I can feel the tears in my eyes but my heart grows with warmth. You are such a lovely person and your strength is an inspiration.

    Thank you for taking the time to write this, filling us in on your life and changes. I had started to wonder about you and wondered when you might post again.

  20. imdoingwitchcraftoverhere

    Your daughter seems like an awesome person and I wish I could have met her. Blessings and love right back at you.

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